Lucius, Snape, and the Awful Muggle Song Parodies
by voldy-wears-thongs
Summary: When Snape dares to insult Lucius Malfoy's luxurious lot of luscious locks, the two Death Eaters engage in a rap-off to the melodious tunes of Kesha and Britney Spears. No one is safe as these dark wizards duel...Rated T because we mention hos...as usual.
1. Lucius, Snape and the HairDissing

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom by the sea, a fair maiden was combing out her lovely golden locks. She frolicked around, dancing and twirling in the midst of her fragrant tendrils, singing a joyous tune.

"Err, Lucius...the meeting is about to start." The princess stopped her twirling and whirled around.

"I was just...uh..." she stammered. Severus Snape looked down his long hooked nose at the princess disdainfully.

Okay, so maybe the princess was actually Lucius Malfoy, who wasn't actually a princess, not even really a girl, but he was pretty and his hair certainly was luscious. But this was a topic taboo in the presence of the Aforementioned angst-ridden potions master. For Severus was jealous, you see, of the tantalizing waterfall of COMPLETELY NATURAL blond hair cascading down all the way to Malfoy's rotund tush.

However, there were many moments when the illustrious Lucius could not and would not hold back from the gibes that rose so easily to his alluring tongue. Snape's hair just hung so lank and greasy, and his tush was not nearly so shapely.

"Oh I was just about to go inside, thank you Severus," Malfoy said smoothly, as he oh-so-subtly fanned out a curtain of voluminous vibrissa between him and the teacher. "I am ever so grateful for the presence of that -ahem- interesting...mop on your head. Letting yours grease up just so mine can -ehm- shine a little brighter in comparison!"

"I say, are you making a gibe at my hair, Lucius?"

Lucius was taken aback. His carefully conditioned pout formed into an O. "Never, Severus!" he gasped theatrically.

"Just shut that infernal mouth for a few seconds, Malfoy, or I'll give your son detention...washing my hair."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, hey, is that a split end?"

Malfoy let out a girlish squeal and ducked, sobbing dramatically, into the meeting room where all the Death Eaters were gathered.

"How kind of you to join us, Lucius," Voldemort intoned coldly as the last two remaining Death Eaters strolled into the room, still in a huff from their brief encounter. They took their seats, glowering menacingly at one another.

"Now our first order of business-" Voldemort began, but stopped as Lucius suddenly jumped up from his place at the table, throwing his hair over his shoulder and cocking a hip sassily. To everyone's amazement he began to sing, composing his own version of a little ditty sung by some strange being that Muggles seemed to worship by the name of "Britney Spears". With Malfoy's foxy blond hair flowing delightfully down his back and his arousing hip motions, it was easy to see why he had chosen this particular anthem to express his feelings, as he did have an extremely uncanny likeness to the Muggle goddess.

"Outrageous!" he belted out, making an alluring pose and focusing an intimidating stare at Snape.

**[Oh, Lucius, you foxy fellow! Can't wait to see how you sing your way through an entire Britney Spears parody. Or to see how we will possibly write one...By the way, what song do you think Snape should reply with? I know we've got a few ideas...]**


	2. Lucius Malfoy and The Sassy Pop Anthem

"Outrageous!" Lucius Malfoy belted out, making an alluring pose and focusing an intimidating stare at Snape.

"Outrageous!

"With my pure blood status!

"Outrageous!

"Albino peacock Animagus!

"Outrageous!

"Slap you with my pimp cane!

"Outrageous!

"My hair is insane!

"Outrageous!

"Givin' Draco daddy issues!

"Outrageous!

"Sev, you'll need some tissues!

"Outrageous!

"On the board of Hogwarts!

"Outrageous!

"And I'm hot in short shorts!

All of a sudden, Peter Pettigrew jumped up from his spot at Voldemort's side. He began to gyrate, looking somewhat possessed as he conjured up a hot pink feather boa and proceeded to dance with it suggestively while adding bizarre yodeling to Malfoy's song, providing some creepy form of backup. The rest of the Death Eater counsel looked on, petrified with alarm as if by a basilisk's gaze.

"Evil as I wanna be!

"Got these Aurors chasin' me!

"We're bringin' down the Ministry!

"All you Death Eaters want a piece of my-y booty!"

"Snapey boy just can't compete!

"His shampoo's so obsolete!

"My expensive broom-

"Flyin' higher than Buuuckbeak!

"I know you want my body so...

"Ma ma ma ma ma ma maaa!"

"Dark Lord, come over here!" Voldemort blanched and looked away, still looking quite stricken.

"My awesome moves fill you with fear!

"Black cloak, pretentious wand holder!

"Let's go, it's the Lucius Show, I'm outrageous!"

Gave the Weasley girl V-Dawg's diary!

Persecuting my house elf Dobby!

I heart slave labor...so sue me!

Everybody wants to do-o me!

Take trips with all my hos

Usin' invisibility cloaks so Narcissa don't know

My Little Pony hair got ya comin' out ya clothes

I'm about to duel ya so...

Ma ma ma ma ma ma maaa

"Dark Lord, come over here!"

"My awesome moves fill you with fear!

"Black cloak, pretentious wand holder!

"Let's go, it's the Lucius Show, I'm outrageous!"

I just wanna be the bawwwws

In a place where Muggles are dead

Can you take me there

Voldy, ooh

And when they mention You-Know-Who

Make sure it's got a taboo

So we can catch 'em with those snatchers YAH!

"Outrageous!

"With my pure blood status!

"Outrageous!

"Albino peacock Animagus!

"Outrageous!

"Slap you with my pimp cane!

"Outrageous!

"My hair is insane!

"Outrageous!

"Givin' Draco daddy issues!

"Outrageous!

"Sev, you'll need some tissues!

"Outrageous!

"On the board of Hogwarts!

"Outrageous!

"And I look hot in short shorts!

"Outrageous!"


End file.
